Getting Back Up..

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I spoke to my brother this morning and even though he's in his twenties- and my baby brother- sometimes he can be wise beyond his years.

The last time I talked to him I told him about my trip to Costa Rica in April and how I had a pretty bad scare while surfing. I went headfirst over the edge of a wave, got thrown around, and ended up with the leash of my surfboard caught around my neck. I had a moment of, "I'm not coming up from this" that ended when I slammed into the sand- probably because I thought I was going to break my neck.

I haven't had many surfing incidents that have truly scared me- but this one threw me for a loop- literally and figuratively. I refused to catch a wave after that and swam in... pretty shaken up but too proud to admit it. I haven't been in the water since and I've been telling myself it's because I haven't had the time.

I didn't think too much about the story while I was telling it to my brother over the weekend- he had asked me when I was in the water last and I told him about it. Today when we spoke I forgot that I had even said anything.

We spent time catching up this morning and before we got off of the phone he stopped abruptly and goes, "do me a favor." I figured he needed something and so I paused in saying goodbye, when he continued with, "don't forget what it felt like the time you caught your first wave."

I was confused by what he said at first... and then realized he was going back to my Costa Rica surf story. He continued with, "You're probably scared now... but don't forget what that first wave felt like. That high...remember it"

Maybe in his head he was just telling me to get back out there on a surfboard but little did he know his advice could carry into so many facets of life and was so helpful to hear this morning. I'll have it running through my head all week... maybe longer.

How often do we let fear hold us back from giving it our all? How often do we let fear run our lives? Getting scared when we do something a little tough because we might not succeed- or not trying again when something goes wrong.

Don't let fear hold you back from feeling the high... try again, because the high is worth it. 

The high is more than worth it.... 

When It's Broken

I sit here at my desk right now very much unsure of where this is going to go- my writing I mean- tears already running down my face. It's not that I have this huge desire to share such a personal part of my life, but if it makes just one person feel less alone, then at least I'll know I was open for a reason- because it helped someone, somewhere. Helping, maybe, is part of the healing.

Breakups are hard, period. It doesn't matter how long you were with someone- 10 years, 1 year, several months- in some way, shape or form, that person had a piece of you. Even if it was a small part of you, they'll carry that with them forever. Just like you will always have a piece of them. It could be something as small as how they took their coffee in the morning, their smile when they saw you, something so little that meant so much. Those little things don't go away completely..but they do fade with time.

It's the larger experiences that are harder to recover from. The first "I love you" to the final goodbye (but is it ever truly goodbye?) and everything in between. You'll remember bits and pieces forever- with time they start to cut less and less, but they are still there. Their smile, the way they would walk towards you on the street, lazy mornings spent together just reading the paper, the first trip you took, when you moved in and combined lives, being part of an "us" and a "we."

Separating yourself from all of that, to put it bluntly, sucks- there is no better word for it. It is raw, it is painful, it is so hard, so incredibly hard.... 

You'll carry the memories with you, sometimes they hit you at unsuspecting moments- and god do they hurt- they will feel like a punch to the gut. There will be times you'll cry on the street, strangers will look at you with pity in their eyes, unsure of what to do as you try to shrug off their concern... sometimes you'll be so angry, god so angry, for no reason at all. You'll want to break things, sometimes you will. You'll want to punch, kick, scream.

It will all go in stages- sadness, fear, anger... back to sadness.  You'll have moments that you aren't proud of, that's all part of the process. You'll try to remain respectful of the other persons feelings, but sometimes spite will get the best of you- forgive yourself, apologize, move on. You'll have the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You'll try to rely on friends, and family, but sometimes you'll just want to crawl into a hole, you might spend days in bed- and that's ok too. 

You'll have to re-learn how to be alone and independent- you'll have to learn how to sit in your pain and be sad without any distractions.. this will take a long time.

You'll feel like a failure. Did you really give it your all? Did you try hard enough? Have you let everyone down?

There will be so many questions running through your head and you will be lost for a while. It will feel like a death- and that's because it is, you lost something and someone. You were building a life with this person, no matter how long or short the time was, and that life, that dream, didn't work out- it is sad, it is awful, it is a hard reality to face. You'll lose some friends, family that used to be yours.... 

There will be ebbs and flows, you will wake up some mornings and think it was all a very surreal dream- and then reality will unfairly hit you.

At some point, it will hurt less. The hole in your heart will always be there- but the pain will be more dull than sharp. You will start to laugh more than you will cry, you'll start looking forward more than you are looking back... you'll wake up each day and find a small reason to keep pushing forward- one foot at a time, one small step at a time... one hour, minute, day... they are all small victories.

There will be new memories, they won't fully replace the old ones but they will do for now- they'll help until you heal. There will be new friends, to replace those that you lost... and they will become a part of you just like the old ones were. 

I don't believe that time truly heals all wounds but it helps... but you know what does heal you? 

You, you will heal yourself... you will change, you will evolve, you will become stronger. This won't happen overnight and sometimes it might feel like forever... but it will come.

Eventually, you will be ok.

You will think back and smile... you'll remember the good times and the bad times will fade... and you will be grateful that you had someone in your life that taught you so much, no matter how painful the end might have been.

"And when I looked back at my life, when I looked back at it all, I clearly saw how bad times really meant everything and how every moment that lead me to happiness revolved around some kind of darkness. Sometimes the darkness was a beautiful thing and sometimes it took me to a place where I had no idea where it all could go, but I knew it was all meant to be ok." 

-RM Drake

xx,

K

 

 

 

Reinvention

What if you were given a second chance at your life- a clean slate. A do-over? What would you do with it? It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

The future, planning, dreaming.

It's terrifying and exciting all at once. Terrifying because the future can become this unknown blank space- and I've always been someone who likes to know what is happening. Where I'm headed- but what if for once I gave up on the planning and thought of future "plans" as merely adventures. What if I wasn't so rigid with it all?

Crazy, wild, beautiful adventures...

Sounds better than "the unknown"

"If the path you are on is clear, you're probably on someone else's..."

xx

K

What are you waiting for?

During the week we are waiting for the weekend. In the Winter we are waiting for Summer. If we have a bad day we wait for tomorrow to make it better. We wait for life to happen... wait for permission to do things. Scared to look into ourselves, to ask ourselves what it is that we truly want in this moment. Right, fucking, now.

But what if we stopped waiting. Did something that scared us, today...now, this second.

Even if it didn't work out, isn't that what life is all about? Taking chances, living in the moment; risks, excitement, heart racing, madness, beautiful chaos of the unknown.

So let's go, we are all in this race together... what are you waiting for?

Or maybe, just maybe, it's me that is asking myself.... what am I waiting for.. and I'm merely placing the question on you. Time to get out of your comfort zone Kris- time to do something you've been talking about for years.

"Stop waiting for Friday, for summer, for life. Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it and make the most of the moment you are in now- right now"

xx

K

Light in the Darkness

It's easy, when dealing with a hard experience in life, to wallow in everything that is lost- everything that you are missing...things that are gone.

But what if...instead of focusing on the sadness.. you think about what it taught you?

"What defines us, is how well we rise after falling"

xx

K

Afraid

I had a thought last night, it was a simple one...but still so very relevant.

Why are we so afraid to be ourselves? Afraid to show people (friends, family, significant others) the "real" in us. Is it because we are afraid that they won't love us if we do? Afraid that they won't like what they see? Terrified that our "imperfections" will be made fun of? 

I have probably a million quirky traits and habits, like most people... 

I have to make the bed every morning, no matter what. I go into bouts of hysterical laughter for no reason at all {typically in public places}. Sometimes I like to break into a dance routine when I have my headphones on in the morning and pretend like I'm in that iTunes commercial. I drink pickle juice straight from the jar. I coat everything in mustard. I wear hats all the time because it hides my face when working out and I feel like I'm an incognito ninja. I am manic about locking doors. If you are at my house I will literally pick your things up off of the counter and rearrange them for no reason other than the fact that I'm a neat freak. At the grocery store checkout I have to arrange things in order of how I want them bagged. When I get nervous I say the alphabet backwards. None of my food can touch when I eat it, all has to be separated. I eat my morning oatmeal with a baby spoon because I like how tiny it is. I'm an ugly crier. I bounce my knee when sitting because I always have too much energy. I constantly worry about my next move in life. I cannot CANNOT start the day without my New York Post horoscope. I can't sleep well without a fan on. I'm terrible with people's names but have a creepy photographic memory. I laugh like a lunatic when I get hurt. I'm a morning person even before coffee. I wear gym clothes way too much. I'm constantly thinking there is something in my teeth. I smile at strangers. I give way too many people hugs. I talk to everyone, everyone, and will know their life story in minutes. I hurt myself at least once a day because I'm moving around so quickly (chairs, tables, counter tops, nothing is safe)

This is the weird shit that makes me Kris... 

"Being unique is better than being perfect"

xx

K

Happiness in the Solitude

Being stuck inside due to a blizzard lends itself to plenty of free time to think, write, read {go a little stir crazy}.

I had a thought last night that kind of stopped me in my tracks... how does one figure out how to be happy without distraction, without noise? Are you truly happy if you cannot do that?

It's quite easy to be happy when you are surrounded by white noise- friends, action, day to day business... but what happens when all of that falls away? 

Happy in the alone time- that's the hard one.

Find happiness in the silence- hold on to it. Find happiness in the lonely, find happiness in discomfort, find happiness in the slow times. Find happiness, even if just for a second, in the dark times.

For won't that magnify the happiness in the good times?

"The quieter you become, the more you can hear...." -Ram Dass

xx

K

Cleansing

Cleansing, you see that word often. Typically associated with someone trying to lose a few pounds on a cleanse. People wanting to shed some water weight before a big event, etc. Drinking a million juices a day in search for that perfect weight, the perfect body.

But why? What for I mean.... are they looking for happiness? If they are, they damn well aren't going to find it in the bottom of a juice bottle.

What about cleansing for the soul and the mind? It's what I hoped to achieve while on a trip I recently took to Costa Rica- I wanted to get back to my center. De-stress, unwind... but is that ever really possible?

I read a quote by Cheryl Strayed on the flight over there that simply said, "how wild it was, to let it be." Let it be? What was "it" exactly? The constant nagging voice in my head, the questions about the future and what it held for me, job worries, family stuff? The list could go on really... but what if, what if I could just let it rest. Be wild, free.

Could I actually do that? 

The answer is yes, because that's what I did... from the moment I touched down in Costa Rica I felt it- the wildness of it all. I threw my makeup bag in the bottom of my suitcase- never to be touched while I was there. My outfits consisted of whatever I could find that I didn't mind sweating through within ten minutes. I didn't wear shoes. I was coated in a thick layer of dust 24/7 as a mountain bike was my mode of transportation. Showers were taken in the ocean... food was snagged at a local farmer's market- to be eaten with bare hands and knives on the beach. It tasted better that way...

It was wild.... and I fucking loved every dirty amazing second of it.

Something came alive in me there- this person I didn't know that I could be and the simplicity of it all was so freeing, so raw, so amazing. It's what I'm hoping to recreate with my retreat down there in April- I want other women to experience that feeling.

Raw, that's the word... raw and fearless. My emotions stripped down completely because they just weren't necessary to function- all I was worried about was, well, nothing actually. There were no timelines, no schedules, no get up rush and go.

I understand that not everyone can up and fly off to Costa Rica... but I think we can all take a minute to look deep into ourselves, quiet the noise, be honest about what it would mean to cleanse ourselves. Maybe that's just letting go of a friend who isn't good for you, breaking a bad habit, starting a new routine.

Am I making any sense? If not, I'm sorry.... it's the jungle magic, still got me under it's spell

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air" -Emerson

xx

K

 

 

New Mottos...

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A few months ago, I decided to be more present about life and learning what it truly meant for me to be healthy and happy. A truly personal journey, one where I started to become more aware of who I was- from both a mental and physical aspect. What it took for me to become really at peace with myself. 

Being healthy...was that by always watching what I ate, never drinking, turning down dessert, going to bed early to get in that required amount of sleep, stressing out about details, sticking to a regimented workout schedule- a regimented life schedule? That's what I was doing, but was it really living?

I mean, you probably already know the answer- because it was no, no I wasn't.

So I decided to live by a new mentality for a while, one that is not very eloquent but has worked for me.

Fuck it.

You read that right... fuck....it

Dessert in the middle of the day, f it, delicious. Skipping a workout to lay on the beach, f it, yeah. Going out on a Tuesday night for a tequila, f it, absolutely. New tattoo? Fuck yes (sorry mom). Learning something new that terrifies me like how to surf, fuuuuuuck yeah (screaming laughing as I fall off of my board time and time again).

Trying out for a job position that I was unsure about, out of my comfort zone, fuckity fuck scary but yes. More on that later, but I did get it and it means a bit of a career change.

So yeah, it's safe to say that this new motto can get scary at times- as it's basically saying yes to all kinds of things I never would have before. However, staying in your comfort zone doesn't create change. Guess what does cause change? Being f*cking scared.

Life throws things at you that you might not ever be truly ready for, keeps you on your toes. It forces you to make decisions that you aren't ready for- but if you are just going through the motions of every day, the same motions over and over just to stay safe... is that really a life? 

"Are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?" -Unknown

xx,

K

This is me...

This is one of my favorite photos of myself- probably a weird thing to admit, liking a photo of yourself, but here we are.. so... um, there's that. It's not because I think I look particularly amazing in it- it's because I feel like it really represents me. The real Kris.

Who is the real Kris? Sometimes I think I've got her figured out and then life comes along with a gentle reminder that you don't know shit- or, I don't know shit. However back to this photo.... it was after a particularly fun day of running through the jungle and basically acting like a small child- tree climbing, coconut cracking (attempting, sigh), fruit eating with my bare hands. I am un- showered, covered in a light film of dirt, chipped fingernail polish, no makeup, most definitely unbrushed dirty hair, bare feet, backpack, bathing suit.

That chick in the above photo- she is me, she is me at my happiest... wild, carefree, no bullshit.

Most of you probably know me as on-air lifestyle expert Kris (how's that for a long intro?). That Kris is shiny, polished, well spoken, an adult- she definitely wears shoes. At some point I started to feel like that Kris wasn't really me anymore, more of a spokesperson. It's not that I don't love my TV work, I do, but I started to want to do a job that was a bit more real. A bit more me... 

So I began the somewhat scary journey of reinventing myself in my career... terrifying actually. 

Health and fitness has always been my passion- most days you could find me reading up on the new superfood, trying out any and all workout class just for the experience, helping friends out and basically living in spandex. It hit me at some point, this is what I should be doing with my life.... why it took so long I don't know... 

This is what I should be dedicating my time to, my passion. So here we go, a new journey into the wellness/fitness industry- I know the ride will be bumpy at times but I am more than ready for it- and I hope you guys are too. It's scary to learn something new, to put yourself out there in an unfamiliar field, but I owe it to myself to try.

Here I am, the real Kris... I'm looking forward to having you along for the ride......

"Perhaps by now I'd come far enough to know I had the guts to be afraid" -Cheryl Strayed

xx

K