When It's Broken

I sit here at my desk right now very much unsure of where this is going to go- my writing I mean- tears already running down my face. It's not that I have this huge desire to share such a personal part of my life, but if it makes just one person feel less alone, then at least I'll know I was open for a reason- because it helped someone, somewhere. Helping, maybe, is part of the healing.

Breakups are hard, period. It doesn't matter how long you were with someone- 10 years, 1 year, several months- in some way, shape or form, that person had a piece of you. Even if it was a small part of you, they'll carry that with them forever. Just like you will always have a piece of them. It could be something as small as how they took their coffee in the morning, their smile when they saw you, something so little that meant so much. Those little things don't go away completely..but they do fade with time.

It's the larger experiences that are harder to recover from. The first "I love you" to the final goodbye (but is it ever truly goodbye?) and everything in between. You'll remember bits and pieces forever- with time they start to cut less and less, but they are still there. Their smile, the way they would walk towards you on the street, lazy mornings spent together just reading the paper, the first trip you took, when you moved in and combined lives, being part of an "us" and a "we."

Separating yourself from all of that, to put it bluntly, sucks- there is no better word for it. It is raw, it is painful, it is so hard, so incredibly hard.... 

You'll carry the memories with you, sometimes they hit you at unsuspecting moments- and god do they hurt- they will feel like a punch to the gut. There will be times you'll cry on the street, strangers will look at you with pity in their eyes, unsure of what to do as you try to shrug off their concern... sometimes you'll be so angry, god so angry, for no reason at all. You'll want to break things, sometimes you will. You'll want to punch, kick, scream.

It will all go in stages- sadness, fear, anger... back to sadness.  You'll have moments that you aren't proud of, that's all part of the process. You'll try to remain respectful of the other persons feelings, but sometimes spite will get the best of you- forgive yourself, apologize, move on. You'll have the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You'll try to rely on friends, and family, but sometimes you'll just want to crawl into a hole, you might spend days in bed- and that's ok too. 

You'll have to re-learn how to be alone and independent- you'll have to learn how to sit in your pain and be sad without any distractions.. this will take a long time.

You'll feel like a failure. Did you really give it your all? Did you try hard enough? Have you let everyone down?

There will be so many questions running through your head and you will be lost for a while. It will feel like a death- and that's because it is, you lost something and someone. You were building a life with this person, no matter how long or short the time was, and that life, that dream, didn't work out- it is sad, it is awful, it is a hard reality to face. You'll lose some friends, family that used to be yours.... 

There will be ebbs and flows, you will wake up some mornings and think it was all a very surreal dream- and then reality will unfairly hit you.

At some point, it will hurt less. The hole in your heart will always be there- but the pain will be more dull than sharp. You will start to laugh more than you will cry, you'll start looking forward more than you are looking back... you'll wake up each day and find a small reason to keep pushing forward- one foot at a time, one small step at a time... one hour, minute, day... they are all small victories.

There will be new memories, they won't fully replace the old ones but they will do for now- they'll help until you heal. There will be new friends, to replace those that you lost... and they will become a part of you just like the old ones were. 

I don't believe that time truly heals all wounds but it helps... but you know what does heal you? 

You, you will heal yourself... you will change, you will evolve, you will become stronger. This won't happen overnight and sometimes it might feel like forever... but it will come.

Eventually, you will be ok.

You will think back and smile... you'll remember the good times and the bad times will fade... and you will be grateful that you had someone in your life that taught you so much, no matter how painful the end might have been.

"And when I looked back at my life, when I looked back at it all, I clearly saw how bad times really meant everything and how every moment that lead me to happiness revolved around some kind of darkness. Sometimes the darkness was a beautiful thing and sometimes it took me to a place where I had no idea where it all could go, but I knew it was all meant to be ok." 

-RM Drake

xx,

K